School Mornings Without Stress
Dealing With School-Related Anxiety Without Conflict
Not every kid loves going to school. The reality is that although schools and teachers can be truly wonderful, sometimes, on some days, kids don’t want to go. Therefore, occasionally you will hear whining and complaining, and sometimes there might be tears and foot stomping. At the end of the day, even if a child complains, most children and adolescents will still end up going to school. But what if you are the parent of one of the 10-15% of children whose mild dislike and complaints turn into school avoidance?
School avoidance or school refusal is a serious emotional problem that results in stress for both children and families. Often it comes in the form of tantrums, refusal to leave the house, running away from the home or the school to avoid going, physical aggression and physical symptoms (becoming sick).
If you are one of many parents who are experiencing these challenges, the first and most important step is to seek outside support and guidance. This can include such things as scheduling an informal meeting with your child’s teacher, meeting with the school counselor for support and direction, and obtaining an evaluation from a mental health professional to determine the reason behind the anxiety.
Mornings are a time when children are required to work through many transitions with a set deadline, and stress levels can reach their peak. Although there are many times when you can be flexible with your child, mornings don’t usually provide that opportunity. So, while you are working on getting outside support, what can you be doing at home to get out the door on time?
Start by establishing visuals in the home. This can include visual schedules and pictures of targeted behavior. You can verbally prompt your child in the morning to complete these tasks and use them as nonverbal reminders of what needs to be done.
If your child is someone who engages or escalates verbally to avoid in the morning, ignoring is usually most effective. The ultimate goal is to ignore the unwanted behavior while also acknowledging that your child exists. Utilize stop phrases with the aim to say the phrase only once and then move forward.
Some phrases include:
Thank you for telling me how you feel.
I love you too much to let you (miss school).
I can't listen when you talk/act like this.
I see how angry/upset you are. The answer is still no (or We still need to go school/get out the door) etc.
Try to complete anything that can be done at night before going to bed and prep your child for what needs to be done in the morning. This is the time when you can review the visual schedule and reiterate expectations. Work on focusing most of your energy on the essential steps in the morning such as having clothes on, brushing teeth and getting something in their stomach. Utilize incentives to encourage positive behavior, such as stickers or special treat, if all predetermined morning steps are completed and your child gets out to the car/bus on time. Finally, although sometimes extremely challenging, practice staying calm. Keep your eye on the prize, focus on the next steps and praise your child for the small efforts, because great success always starts with small steps.
-Emily Martin, MS, NCC
