Do You See Me?
Sometimes our children use inappropriate behaviors instead of their words to convey what they want, need or how they are feeling. Have you ever had a 4-year-old pull on their siblings clothes, or an 8-year-old slam and re-slam the door to make sure you heard them? What about the teenager who dyes their hair or comes in with black eye makeup and fingernails? Their actions speak louder than words. Without speaking they are saying, “I’m here!” “Why don’t you notice me?” “Do you see me?”
Many times as a parent, I react to the behavior by saying, “STOP!”, “Go to your room!”, or I will threaten to punish them. And maybe that works in the moment, but what about the future? How do you prevent it from happening again? Instead of telling them what they should not be doing, we should be focusing on teaching them how to gain our attention and giving them the language to be successful.
Here are a few ways we react to behaviors:
We ignore the behavior, hence ignoring the child. This doesn’t work because the child desires some form of attention or is trying to communicate with us. If we ignore, they will seek another behavior in hopes of “being seen”.
We react to the behavior, but do not acknowledge their desire to “be seen”. When we do this we are teaching the child that bad attention is better than no attention at all from you, and they will continue to try and access you in inappropriate ways.
We recognize the behavior, validate their need to be noticed, and then respond to that need in a proactive way. We then begin to shape the behavior to something more desirable.
So, how does this look in real life?
The 4-year-old who is pulling on their sibling’s clothes: You can get on their level, bending down to meet their eyes. You can say, “Instead of pulling on John’s clothes you can say, ‘I want to play with you’. Let’s practice”.
The 8-year-old who is repeatedly slamming the door: You can say, “You’re slamming the door, I can tell you’re mad. It’s okay to be mad. Let’s think of some other ways we can respond when you are mad. When I’m mad here’s what I do sometimes…”
The teenager who all of a sudden changes her look: I wouldn’t make a big deal out of the actual change, but I would make myself available to that child. Be purposeful in making time with them. This will give them an opportunity to open up and share what is going on in their life.
You see, we spend so much time on the “No, Stop, Don’t do that,” and all our energy is going to the negative. Instead, we should focus our efforts on teaching them what we would like to see. When we do this, we are teaching them a more appropriate way. We are shaping behavior, and we are providing them with coping skills that can generalize to many situations.
Part of parenting is changing our children’s behavior, the other part is changing our own. It’s easy to get caught up in doing things the same way and expecting different results. A new habit takes 30 days, so why not try a new way? You may be pleasantly surprised!
Steph Chambers M.Ed.
